A lot of people would probably be very shocked if I told them that I had insecurities, and that I wasn't really as confident as I come across. I trained to be an actor for three years at Truro College, I had my heart set on becoming an actor (I never wanted to be famous, I just liked acting, I didn't even care about an audience being there) it was just something that I really enjoyed doing, acting a story out. I can remember being in my first week and my lecturer would do warm up games with us, just to get our concentration going and to help us feel more energized. Laurence came up with a game, where we had to pretend to be things, for example, he'd say "Right, I want everyone to be a horse, pretend to be a horse" now, I'm sure your thinking, what an odd thing to do, but what he was trying to do was take us right out of our comfort zones, to no longer care what anyone thought, for the new few weeks, we did this everyday, trust me after a month, I actually didn't care anymore, my confidence had grown that much in knowing that we were all being silly together and that no one cared what we were doing.
The confidence that I had then, I sadly don't think I have anymore due to rather a few personal reasons. No one should ever have to put up with being emotionally abused! For a long time, I didn't realize I was, I was in a reasonably happy relationship of three years, however it wasn't all happy days. Yes, yes I know it's natural to have days where you get annoyed at your significant other, it's healthy right? This was different. There's nothing more heartbreaking in a relationship, then feeling like you love someone, but feeling like they don't love you back. Imagine it's Valentines Day, and you've gone and bought your love something nice, but you haven't been giving anything in return. It's your birthday, but they couldn't even be arsed to get on a bus to go and get you something, not even a birthday card, but were quite happy the night before to spend all their money on alcohol and cigarettes. I'm exceptionally loyal to anyone that I love and those close around me and I guess I was daft to think that others would be the same, I thought he'd be the same. I'd stay up till 3am, to wait for him to finish work to go and meet him and pick him up because he couldn't drive. Sounds fair enough right? Perhaps not when you know what I used to receive in return.
What would be on the end of the receiving line would be a drunk mess, someone that had been flirting with other woman all night, drinking way over the limit and smoking god knows how much! Oh I forgot to say, I'd be up at 4:45am the next day for work too! My parents would be sleeping in the next room and he'd would have a go at me because he didn't believe in having a normal job and being like everyone else or learning to drive. I would be accused of things I hadn't even done and told that I should get over a few personal issues of my own. Not only would I be led to tears but I was then told that I shouldn't cry and that I needed to learn to be thicker skinned! I was crying because I was tired, I'd been loyal and had it all thrown back in my face so that he could have what he called a good time. This didn't continue for months, but a year and a half, before I finally put a stop to it.
I don't want sympathy and can happily state that I am now extremely happy with someone new. Bottom line, my confidence was taken in those three years, I suddenly became so afraid of someone that I could no longer tell those around me, in fear of what they might do. He got that angry one night with me, because I'd done something wrong in our line of work that he punched the wall behind me, whether he was meant to miss or not, i'm not sure, imagine the next day having to lie to your work collegues (I had two jobs) why you couldn't come in, not because you HAD to take them to A and E, but because you were afraid to say to them "Oh, my partner got angry with me last night and punched a wall" as far as I'm concerned Police Officers or Social Services would of probably been informed, on potential domestic abuse.
I'm still finding it exceedingly hard to find my confidence, worrying about my weight, despite believing that I'm healthy and beautiful, finding it hard to be silly and have fun, not worrying about what other people think. It had a massive affect on me, I'm scared to be around drunk people because of what I experienced even when I know 9/10 people just become more chatty and confident after a few pints, I'm reminded of the fear that I felt. It'll take time for me to gain that confidence back and find who I am again.
Tuesday, 28 June 2016
Monday, 27 June 2016
June Favorites!
Atlas Mountain Rose Body Cream - £14 - The Body Shop
Sounds expensive, but I've had it for months and there is still a silly amount left, it leaves your skin feeling like silk! Beautiful scent too.
British Rose Exfoliating Gel Body Scrub - £15 - The Body Shop
I am absolutely obsessed with body scrub, this one has bits of rose petal in it, and leaves your skin feeling beautiful, would highly recommend for anyone that loves a flowery scent.
Me Before You by Jojo Moyes - £4 - Waterstones
I absolutely fell in love with this book, it's beautifully written and will really touch your heart, must have for someone who love a good romance/tear jerker.
British Rose Shower Gel - £5 - The Body Shop
By far one of my most favourite scented shower gels, it smells divine and lasts for ages!!
Captain America: Civil War
Absolute must for any major Marvel Comics fan, this movie was one of the best films I've seen all year!
Grief doesn't leave overnight!
You know it's funny, it's so easy to think that when someone you love passes, you'll just learn to move on with life, but it's so much easier said then done. Everyone grives differently too, some get angry, some cry, some turn to alcohol or smoking (a way of blocking it out I suppose).
My dad passed away 9 months ago, but let me tell you now that I have by no means learnt to deal with it yet. I go through phases of being absolutely fine, I start to think that I have accepted it, I'm beginning to deal with it when suddenly something will set it off and everything is brought back, memories, the lot! Father's day set it off. This time last year, I was about to do a skydive for Motor Neurone Disease to raise money. My dad was very ill, but he was able to watch me and that to me, means so much. I just remember thinking what could possibly frighten me, when someone I love, is having everything taken from them. He can't eat anymore. He can't drink properly anymore. He looked fear straight in the face and I had no right to be scared of anything. Nine months later, I still believe that I should not be scared of anything because I have no right to after what he went through.
My life changed last September, life suddenly became so precious, I was really opened up to not only how beautiful our world is, but honestly how precious every single little thing is. I don't care how long it takes to make a meal anymore, or what it is, its food, i'm thankful I can still eat, I can still drink, I can still hug those that I love and hold someone's hand. Those that have Motor Neurone Disease have that ripped from them and not necessarily over a period of years either, but in a matter of weeks and months!! The worse thing is too, is that their loved ones have to watch every minute of it. My whole attitude on life has just completely changed. I've always been thankful, but I really learnt to be thankful.
I honestly hope that they find a cure for MND in my lifetime, because I can't bear the thought of anyone else going through what I have. As a family we do everything we can to raise money for Motor Neurone Disease and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life, until a cure is found!
My dad passed away 9 months ago, but let me tell you now that I have by no means learnt to deal with it yet. I go through phases of being absolutely fine, I start to think that I have accepted it, I'm beginning to deal with it when suddenly something will set it off and everything is brought back, memories, the lot! Father's day set it off. This time last year, I was about to do a skydive for Motor Neurone Disease to raise money. My dad was very ill, but he was able to watch me and that to me, means so much. I just remember thinking what could possibly frighten me, when someone I love, is having everything taken from them. He can't eat anymore. He can't drink properly anymore. He looked fear straight in the face and I had no right to be scared of anything. Nine months later, I still believe that I should not be scared of anything because I have no right to after what he went through.
My life changed last September, life suddenly became so precious, I was really opened up to not only how beautiful our world is, but honestly how precious every single little thing is. I don't care how long it takes to make a meal anymore, or what it is, its food, i'm thankful I can still eat, I can still drink, I can still hug those that I love and hold someone's hand. Those that have Motor Neurone Disease have that ripped from them and not necessarily over a period of years either, but in a matter of weeks and months!! The worse thing is too, is that their loved ones have to watch every minute of it. My whole attitude on life has just completely changed. I've always been thankful, but I really learnt to be thankful.
I honestly hope that they find a cure for MND in my lifetime, because I can't bear the thought of anyone else going through what I have. As a family we do everything we can to raise money for Motor Neurone Disease and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life, until a cure is found!
Sunday, 26 June 2016
50 things about me tag!!
1. I studied to become a professional actor at College (I no longer want to pursue a career in the entertainment industry)
2. I'm completely and 100% obsessed with anything to do with Disney.
3. My favourite chocolate bar is Galaxy Caramel.
4. I failed my theory test 5 times, but passed my proper test first time round, hoorah!
5. I read roughly 2-3 books a week, depending on how much time I have and how big a book it is.
6. I've seen every episode of "Friends" god knows how many times.
7. My favourite holiday is Christmas, I just love everything about it.
8. I hate being hot and will avoid being in the sun because of that.
9. I nearly never finish a cup of tea (Don't ask I don't know, think I just forget to be honest)
10. The witch from the Wizard of Oz, used to frighten me as a child, i'm now obsessed with the movie.
11. Cream Cheese frosting on a cake, amazing!
12. I'm supposed to wear glasses all the time, but find I need them more for when I'm driving or watching TV.
13. I'm very nervous of swimming in the sea.
14. I'm 4ft 11.
15. If a horror film gives me nightmares then they have done a good job in my book.
16. I love pastel colours.
17. I love going to see live shows at the theatre, Peter Pan on ice being one of the best I've ever seen.
18. I don't remember the name of roads, I remember everything in pictures.
19. I have somniloquy (I talk in my sleep and wake up dreaming)
20. I've been caffeine free for 4 months.
21. I'm still learning to swim (Kelvin is a brilliant teacher)
22. I'm obsessed with the Food Network and have been known to watch for hours on end.
23. Anything with coconut in it, is just amazing!
24. I loved skydiving but the thought of getting on a rollercoaster scares me somewhat.
25. I used to be really sporty in Primary school and attended Sports Club every Tuesday.
26. I developed whooping cough when I was about 10yrs old.
27. I dislocated my shoulder opening a car door (I kid you not, long story)
28. I'm anti Sea World and Anti Zoo (Unless they are helping the animals back to health or are protecting from poachers)
29. I've seen snow roughly 3 times in the 26yrs i've been alive.
30. I have a major obsession with Body Shop products.
31. I miss our two cats deeply and am still devastated that they are no longer with us.
32. My attention span is shocking, it can take me several days to finish a film.
33. I love The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones.
34. Swimming relaxes my body and my mind.
35. I love cooking Spaghetti Carbonara with my fiance.
36. A lot of people think i'm serious, i'm quite the opposite, I just get very anxious around people Id don't know, there for don't open up in front of them properly.
37. I love movies from the 50's and 60's
38. I love ALL sorts of music.
39. I don't like dentists (It's nothing personal, it's just I don't....)
40. I only really eat popcorn at the cinema.
41. Driving really stresses me out.
42. My favourite subjects at school were Maths, Science and Drama.
43. I have a problem with buying books but not actually reading them for months.
44. Captain America is my favourite superhero.
45. I love scented candles.
46. I only like dark chocolate if it contains mint.
47. Lee Evans and Norman Wisdom are my favourite comedians (R.I.P Norman)
48. I can't have fruit juice.
49. I'm fascinated by World War 2 (I'm not sure why, but find it deeply educating)
50. The only film to ever disturb me so much I will no longer watch it is Texas Chainsaw Massascare (1974)
2. I'm completely and 100% obsessed with anything to do with Disney.
3. My favourite chocolate bar is Galaxy Caramel.
4. I failed my theory test 5 times, but passed my proper test first time round, hoorah!
5. I read roughly 2-3 books a week, depending on how much time I have and how big a book it is.
6. I've seen every episode of "Friends" god knows how many times.
7. My favourite holiday is Christmas, I just love everything about it.
8. I hate being hot and will avoid being in the sun because of that.
9. I nearly never finish a cup of tea (Don't ask I don't know, think I just forget to be honest)
10. The witch from the Wizard of Oz, used to frighten me as a child, i'm now obsessed with the movie.
11. Cream Cheese frosting on a cake, amazing!
12. I'm supposed to wear glasses all the time, but find I need them more for when I'm driving or watching TV.
13. I'm very nervous of swimming in the sea.
14. I'm 4ft 11.
15. If a horror film gives me nightmares then they have done a good job in my book.
16. I love pastel colours.
17. I love going to see live shows at the theatre, Peter Pan on ice being one of the best I've ever seen.
18. I don't remember the name of roads, I remember everything in pictures.
19. I have somniloquy (I talk in my sleep and wake up dreaming)
20. I've been caffeine free for 4 months.
21. I'm still learning to swim (Kelvin is a brilliant teacher)
22. I'm obsessed with the Food Network and have been known to watch for hours on end.
23. Anything with coconut in it, is just amazing!
24. I loved skydiving but the thought of getting on a rollercoaster scares me somewhat.
25. I used to be really sporty in Primary school and attended Sports Club every Tuesday.
26. I developed whooping cough when I was about 10yrs old.
27. I dislocated my shoulder opening a car door (I kid you not, long story)
28. I'm anti Sea World and Anti Zoo (Unless they are helping the animals back to health or are protecting from poachers)
29. I've seen snow roughly 3 times in the 26yrs i've been alive.
30. I have a major obsession with Body Shop products.
31. I miss our two cats deeply and am still devastated that they are no longer with us.
32. My attention span is shocking, it can take me several days to finish a film.
33. I love The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones.
34. Swimming relaxes my body and my mind.
35. I love cooking Spaghetti Carbonara with my fiance.
36. A lot of people think i'm serious, i'm quite the opposite, I just get very anxious around people Id don't know, there for don't open up in front of them properly.
37. I love movies from the 50's and 60's
38. I love ALL sorts of music.
39. I don't like dentists (It's nothing personal, it's just I don't....)
40. I only really eat popcorn at the cinema.
41. Driving really stresses me out.
42. My favourite subjects at school were Maths, Science and Drama.
43. I have a problem with buying books but not actually reading them for months.
44. Captain America is my favourite superhero.
45. I love scented candles.
46. I only like dark chocolate if it contains mint.
47. Lee Evans and Norman Wisdom are my favourite comedians (R.I.P Norman)
48. I can't have fruit juice.
49. I'm fascinated by World War 2 (I'm not sure why, but find it deeply educating)
50. The only film to ever disturb me so much I will no longer watch it is Texas Chainsaw Massascare (1974)
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