A lot of people would probably be very shocked if I told them that I had insecurities, and that I wasn't really as confident as I come across. I trained to be an actor for three years at Truro College, I had my heart set on becoming an actor (I never wanted to be famous, I just liked acting, I didn't even care about an audience being there) it was just something that I really enjoyed doing, acting a story out. I can remember being in my first week and my lecturer would do warm up games with us, just to get our concentration going and to help us feel more energized. Laurence came up with a game, where we had to pretend to be things, for example, he'd say "Right, I want everyone to be a horse, pretend to be a horse" now, I'm sure your thinking, what an odd thing to do, but what he was trying to do was take us right out of our comfort zones, to no longer care what anyone thought, for the new few weeks, we did this everyday, trust me after a month, I actually didn't care anymore, my confidence had grown that much in knowing that we were all being silly together and that no one cared what we were doing.
The confidence that I had then, I sadly don't think I have anymore due to rather a few personal reasons. No one should ever have to put up with being emotionally abused! For a long time, I didn't realize I was, I was in a reasonably happy relationship of three years, however it wasn't all happy days. Yes, yes I know it's natural to have days where you get annoyed at your significant other, it's healthy right? This was different. There's nothing more heartbreaking in a relationship, then feeling like you love someone, but feeling like they don't love you back. Imagine it's Valentines Day, and you've gone and bought your love something nice, but you haven't been giving anything in return. It's your birthday, but they couldn't even be arsed to get on a bus to go and get you something, not even a birthday card, but were quite happy the night before to spend all their money on alcohol and cigarettes. I'm exceptionally loyal to anyone that I love and those close around me and I guess I was daft to think that others would be the same, I thought he'd be the same. I'd stay up till 3am, to wait for him to finish work to go and meet him and pick him up because he couldn't drive. Sounds fair enough right? Perhaps not when you know what I used to receive in return.
What would be on the end of the receiving line would be a drunk mess, someone that had been flirting with other woman all night, drinking way over the limit and smoking god knows how much! Oh I forgot to say, I'd be up at 4:45am the next day for work too! My parents would be sleeping in the next room and he'd would have a go at me because he didn't believe in having a normal job and being like everyone else or learning to drive. I would be accused of things I hadn't even done and told that I should get over a few personal issues of my own. Not only would I be led to tears but I was then told that I shouldn't cry and that I needed to learn to be thicker skinned! I was crying because I was tired, I'd been loyal and had it all thrown back in my face so that he could have what he called a good time. This didn't continue for months, but a year and a half, before I finally put a stop to it.
I don't want sympathy and can happily state that I am now extremely happy with someone new. Bottom line, my confidence was taken in those three years, I suddenly became so afraid of someone that I could no longer tell those around me, in fear of what they might do. He got that angry one night with me, because I'd done something wrong in our line of work that he punched the wall behind me, whether he was meant to miss or not, i'm not sure, imagine the next day having to lie to your work collegues (I had two jobs) why you couldn't come in, not because you HAD to take them to A and E, but because you were afraid to say to them "Oh, my partner got angry with me last night and punched a wall" as far as I'm concerned Police Officers or Social Services would of probably been informed, on potential domestic abuse.
I'm still finding it exceedingly hard to find my confidence, worrying about my weight, despite believing that I'm healthy and beautiful, finding it hard to be silly and have fun, not worrying about what other people think. It had a massive affect on me, I'm scared to be around drunk people because of what I experienced even when I know 9/10 people just become more chatty and confident after a few pints, I'm reminded of the fear that I felt. It'll take time for me to gain that confidence back and find who I am again.
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