Don't put up with emotional abuse!

It may come as a shock to some of you, that before I got with my fiance, (I don't care how cheesy it sounds my fiance rescued me) I'd been in a emotionally abusive relationship for three years. No I don't have this person on facebook and no I don't contact them anymore, so for protection identity we'll call him Jack. What was the reason behind the abuse you ask? Excessive amounts of alcohol.

This is very hard for me to write down, but at the same I want to reassure you that I am exceptionally happy now, and that this is to help anyone that is going through something similar, to stand up and fight.

For the first few months, everything seemed fine, then Jack started to get into fights, he'd get involved in other people's fights when it was none of his business. He worked late nights in a nightclub as a Resident DJ, I dropped him into work because he couldn't drive, this also meant that I picked him up from work too, at 4am, sometimes slightly later! Why did I do this, because I cared, because I didn't know what was about to happen, 99.9% of the time, he was well over the limit! I never got a thanks in return, he'd shout at me, a few times I came to get him and he'd respond with "What are you doing here?"

What bothered me the most was that he couldn't say no to a drink, and If I told people not to buy him drinks, it was because I was scared of what he'd do.
I was djing one night, when he'd had no word of a lie, the person behind the bar had told me he'd had about 12 bottles of Stella, this was between 10pm - 1am, he'd also had several shots, and he came down to where I was covering for him, whilst he worked in another bar and yelled at me, that the job I had done wasn't good enough, that I didn't get it, he then punched the wall behind me. I noticed a pattern after a while too, he'd ask me to drop him in earlier and earlier in each day that he was working, to drink! He broke his hand that night, and he lied to the people in A&E, I knew why did he did that? They probably would of called the Police and it would of been reported as potential domestic violence. My late father also came to my rescue that night and I am forever thankful for his love, kindness and courage that night. A couple of weeks later, it happened again, he was mad at me and this time, he kicked the wall that hard he fractured it, again I took him to A and E and I told people that he'd dropped an Amp on his foot, because I can imagine how "He got angry at me and kicked the wall instead of hitting me" would of gone down. My parents were only ever really aware of this one situation.

Why did I let him keep doing it? Because I was scared, I couldn't confront him, when I cried because he upset me, I'd done nothing wrong, he'd tell that what I was doing was wrong and that I needed to man up as it were, because I shouldn't keep crying about everything! I was moaned if I spoke about how my day at work went, he didn't care about a normal job and didn't wanna hear about mine, so after a while, I stopped, Jack would say to me "That's all my parents ever do, chat about work when they come home, I don't wanna know" he was always too busy wrapped up in his games, that he wouldn't even bother asking how I was. I was upset and I was unhappy. I'd over hear him telling his mates on his PS4 that he didn't care about a normal job, he just wanted to party, he made about £150 a week and after two or three days, it was spent on games, alcohol and cigarette's. I'm talking £100 on alcohol a week, or more.

It's so easy, to think that you can sort it, or that the person your with is going to change, but they won't, bottom line, they've got a problem and they do need to change for the sake of others and themselves. Courage came to me, one morning and I put a stop to it, I felt so much pressure lift from my shoulders, it's quite unbelievable, and I've been incredibly happy since, if your going through something like this, alcohol abuse, someone is emotionally blackmailing you, abusing you, DON'T LET THEM, LEAVE, REPORT IT, PUT A STOP TO IT!

Bullies never win!

I know this is rather a strange thing to talk about compared to my other posts but I thought I'd talk about it, as it's touched me and touched those that I love and care about in the past. There's never really any explanation to why someone get bullied, sometimes it's jealousy, they desperately want something the other person has, perhaps that person is different, their hair is different, they aren't particularly tall, or they are mad on studying, and because of this they are bullied! I'm gonna be pretty damn blunt here, it's fucking wrong! 

I'm gonna be honest here, some kids don't realize they are bullying someone, what can start as a bit of fun can get out of hand extremely quick. Most people have a strong enough backbone to deal with it, but some don't and trust me you gotta respect that. Some are stronger then others, and those who aren't, have their self esteem dropped within seconds of someone saying something to them. There is nout wrong with that, we are who are and there's nothing wrong with being sensitive. The problem arises when someone knows that, that person is sensitive and preys on them, makes fun of them for their own entertainment. That ladies and gentlemen is a bully.

Never ever put someone down because they are successful at something, you have a gift, they have a gift, if you can't handle someone else being extremely good at something, you have a major jealousy problem, if you aren't gonna lock it away in Pandora's box, keep your fucking mouth shut! Their confidence and self esteem has now sunk to the ground because you've put them down, shame on you! Why do that to someone? Share your gift with them, teach them something and visa versa, don't put them down! What you said, will now be with them for the rest of their life! I hope you carry the burden on your shoulders for the rest of your life, you bullied someone and made them feel worthless! Fuck you! 

I cannot stress enough how much schools must learn to pick up on bullying before it's too late. Don't always assume they are having a laugh, listen to what is being said and the reactions at the other end. Believe me, body language will tell you a lot. It goes for the same in the workplace, don't let anyone bully you at work, it doesn't matter how old you are, you can be affected at any age, if you bully in the workplace, you have a serious issue and you need to sort it. It's rare, but it has been known to happen! Thankfully a lot of companies won't tolerate as do a lot of schools! 

Please don't be afraid to step up and say something, whether in school or the workplace if you are being bullied! No one deserves to be bullied and have their confidence knocked and please don't bully! 

Confidence, Insecurity and Anxiety!

A lot of people would probably be very shocked if I told them that I had insecurities, and that I wasn't really as confident as I come across. I trained to be an actor for three years at Truro College, I had my heart set on becoming an actor (I never wanted to be famous, I just liked acting, I didn't even care about an audience being there) it was just something that I really enjoyed doing, acting a story out. I can remember being in my first week and my lecturer would do warm up games with us, just to get our concentration going and to help us feel more energized. Laurence came up with a game, where we had to pretend to be things, for example, he'd say "Right, I want everyone to be a horse, pretend to be a horse" now, I'm sure your thinking, what an odd thing to do, but what he was trying to do was take us right out of our comfort zones, to no longer care what anyone thought, for the new few weeks, we did this everyday, trust me after a month, I actually didn't care anymore, my confidence had grown that much in knowing that we were all being silly together and that no one cared what we were doing.

The confidence that I had then, I sadly don't think I have anymore due to rather a few personal reasons. No one should ever have to put up with being emotionally abused! For a long time, I didn't realize I was, I was in a reasonably happy relationship of three years, however it wasn't all happy days. Yes, yes I know it's natural to have days where you get annoyed at your significant other, it's healthy right? This was different. There's nothing more heartbreaking in a relationship, then feeling like you love someone, but feeling like they don't love you back. Imagine it's Valentines Day, and you've gone and bought your love something nice, but you haven't been giving anything in return. It's your birthday, but they couldn't even be arsed to get on a bus to go and get you something, not even a birthday card, but were quite happy the night before to spend all their money on alcohol and cigarettes. I'm exceptionally loyal to anyone that I love and those close around me and I guess I was daft to think that others would be the same, I thought he'd be the same. I'd stay up till 3am, to wait for him to finish work to go and meet him and pick him up because he couldn't drive. Sounds fair enough right? Perhaps not when you know what I used to receive in return.

What would be on the end of the receiving line would be a drunk mess, someone that had been flirting with other woman all night, drinking way over the limit and smoking god knows how much! Oh I forgot to say, I'd be up at 4:45am the next day for work too! My parents would be sleeping in the next room and he'd would have a go at me because he didn't believe in having a normal job and being like everyone else or learning to drive. I would be accused of things I hadn't even done and told that I should get over a few personal issues of my own. Not only would I be led to tears but I was then told that I shouldn't cry and that I needed to learn to be thicker skinned! I was crying because I was tired, I'd been loyal and had it all thrown back in my face so that he could have what he called a good time. This didn't continue for months, but a year and a half, before I finally put a stop to it.

I don't want sympathy and can happily state that I am now extremely happy with someone new. Bottom line, my confidence was taken in those three years, I suddenly became so afraid of someone that I could no longer tell those around me, in fear of what they might do. He got that angry one night with me, because I'd done something wrong in our line of work that he punched the wall behind me, whether he was meant to miss or not, i'm not sure, imagine the next day having to lie to your work collegues (I had two jobs) why you couldn't come in, not because you HAD to take them to A and E, but because you were afraid to say to them "Oh, my partner got angry with me last night and punched a wall" as far as I'm concerned Police Officers or Social Services would of probably been informed, on potential domestic abuse.

I'm still finding it exceedingly hard to find my confidence, worrying about my weight, despite believing that I'm healthy and beautiful, finding it hard to be silly and have fun, not worrying about what other people think. It had a massive affect on me, I'm scared to be around drunk people because of what I experienced even when I know 9/10 people just become more chatty and confident after a few pints, I'm reminded of the fear that I felt. It'll take time for me to gain that confidence back and find who I am again.

June Favorites!

Atlas Mountain Rose Body Cream - £14 - The Body Shop

Sounds expensive, but I've had it for months and there is still a silly amount left, it leaves your skin feeling like silk! Beautiful scent too.

British Rose Exfoliating Gel Body Scrub - £15 - The Body Shop

I am absolutely obsessed with body scrub, this one has bits of rose petal in it, and leaves your skin feeling beautiful, would highly recommend for anyone that loves a flowery scent.

Me Before You by Jojo Moyes - £4 - Waterstones

I absolutely fell in love with this book, it's beautifully written and will really touch your heart, must have for someone who love a good romance/tear jerker.

British Rose Shower Gel - £5 - The Body Shop

By far one of my most favourite scented shower gels, it smells divine and lasts for ages!!

Captain America: Civil War

Absolute must for any major Marvel Comics fan, this movie was one of the best films I've seen all year!

Grief doesn't leave overnight!

You know it's funny, it's so easy to think that when someone you love passes, you'll just learn to move on with life, but it's so much easier said then done. Everyone grives differently too, some get angry, some cry, some turn to alcohol or smoking (a way of blocking it out I suppose).

My dad passed away 9 months ago, but let me tell you now that I have by no means learnt to deal with it yet. I go through phases of being absolutely fine, I start to think that I have accepted it, I'm beginning to deal with it when suddenly something will set it off and everything is brought back, memories, the lot! Father's day set it off. This time last year, I was about to do a skydive for Motor Neurone Disease to raise money. My dad was very ill, but he was able to watch me and that to me, means so much. I just remember thinking what could possibly frighten me, when someone I love, is having everything taken from them. He can't eat anymore. He can't drink properly anymore. He looked fear straight in the face and I had no right to be scared of anything. Nine months later, I still believe that I should not be scared of anything because I have no right to after what he went through.

My life changed last September, life suddenly became so precious, I was really opened up to not only how beautiful our world is, but honestly how precious every single little thing is. I don't care how long it takes to make a meal anymore, or what it is, its food, i'm thankful I can still eat, I can still drink, I can still hug those that I love and hold someone's hand. Those that have Motor Neurone Disease have that ripped from them and not necessarily over a period of years either,  but in a matter of weeks and months!! The worse thing is too, is that their loved ones have to watch every minute of it. My whole attitude on life has just completely changed. I've always been thankful, but I really learnt to be thankful.

I honestly hope that they find a cure for MND in my lifetime, because I can't bear the thought of anyone else going through what I have. As a family we do everything we can to raise money for Motor Neurone Disease and I will continue to do so for the rest of my life, until a cure is found!

50 things about me tag!!

1. I studied to become a professional actor at College (I no longer want to pursue a career in the entertainment industry)
2. I'm completely and 100% obsessed with anything to do with Disney.
3. My favourite chocolate bar is Galaxy Caramel.
4. I failed my theory test 5 times, but passed my proper test first time round, hoorah!
5. I read roughly 2-3 books a week, depending on how much time I have and how big a book it is.
6. I've seen every episode of "Friends" god knows how many times.
7. My favourite holiday is Christmas, I just love everything about it.
8. I hate being hot and will avoid being in the sun because of that.
9. I nearly never finish a cup of tea (Don't ask I don't know, think I just forget to be honest)
10. The witch from the Wizard of Oz, used to frighten me as a child, i'm now obsessed with the movie.
11. Cream Cheese frosting on a cake, amazing!
12. I'm supposed to wear glasses all the time, but find I need them more for when I'm driving or watching TV.
13. I'm very nervous of swimming in the sea.
14. I'm 4ft 11.
15. If a horror film gives me nightmares then they have done a good job in my book.
16. I love pastel colours.
17. I love going to see live shows at the theatre, Peter Pan on ice being one of the best I've ever seen.
18. I don't remember the name of roads, I remember everything in pictures.
19. I have somniloquy (I talk in my sleep and wake up dreaming)
20. I've been caffeine free for 4 months.
21. I'm still learning to swim (Kelvin is a brilliant teacher)
22. I'm obsessed with the Food Network and have been known to watch for hours on end.
23. Anything with coconut in it, is just amazing!
24. I loved skydiving but the thought of getting on a rollercoaster scares me somewhat.
25. I used to be really sporty in Primary school and attended Sports Club every Tuesday.
26. I developed whooping cough when I was about 10yrs old.
27. I dislocated my shoulder opening a car door (I kid you not, long story)
28. I'm anti Sea World and Anti Zoo (Unless they are helping the animals back to health or are protecting from poachers)
29. I've seen snow roughly 3 times in the 26yrs i've been alive.
30. I have a major obsession with Body Shop products.
31. I miss our two cats deeply and am still devastated that they are no longer with us.
32. My attention span is shocking, it can take me several days to finish a film.
33. I love The Walking Dead and Game of Thrones.
34. Swimming relaxes my body and my mind.
35. I love cooking Spaghetti Carbonara with my fiance.
36. A lot of people think i'm serious, i'm quite the opposite, I just get very anxious around people Id don't know, there for don't open up in front of them properly.
37. I love movies from the 50's and 60's
38. I love ALL sorts of music.
39. I don't like dentists (It's nothing personal, it's just I don't....)
40. I only really eat popcorn at the cinema.
41. Driving really stresses me out.
42. My favourite subjects at school were Maths, Science and Drama.
43. I have a problem with buying books but not actually reading them for months.
44. Captain America is my favourite superhero.
45. I love scented candles.
46. I only like dark chocolate if it contains mint.
47. Lee Evans and Norman Wisdom are my favourite comedians (R.I.P Norman)
48. I can't have fruit juice.
49. I'm fascinated by World War 2 (I'm not sure why, but find it deeply educating)
50. The only film to ever disturb me so much I will no longer watch it is Texas Chainsaw Massascare (1974)

January Favorites!

I love trying different things, so thought I'd write a blog about things that I am absolutely loving at the moment!

Mango Hand Cream - The Body Shop £4

My best friend bought this for me in a Body Shop set for Christmas, it smells absolutely divine and leaves your hands feeling really soft, the scent stays for ages too, so your hands smell amazing for hours.












Smoky Poppy Shower Gel - £2 - The Body Shop

I am completely and 100% addicted to the Smoky Poppy Range from The Body Shop. It's Limited Edition, so of course I had to buy as much as possible before it all got sold out. It's got rather a unique smell, if you like floral scents, this will be right up your street! You don't need much either, a little bit goes a long way! If you want to try this, I highly recommend you get their fast as it might be sold out soon!

Smoky Poppy Body Scrub - £6.50 - The Body Shop



I've lost count the number of times I have bought this particular body scrub, it smells amazing and leaves your skin feeling soft! I am definitely topping up more on this when I have the chance, as it's almost all gone!!!!

Smoky Poppy Bath Bombs - £6 - The Body Shop

These are wonderful, sound a little pricey I know. I thought there was only 4 bath bombs inside, but there are in fact, 6 inside, as the bath bombs come separated in half. If you love the Smoky Poppy scent you will really love these, they make the water go a lovely lilac colour and leave the bath smelling lovely! If you fancy treating yourself, highly recommend!

















The Maze Runner Series - £15.19 - Amazon




It's taken me ages to finally getting round to reading this series! I am absolutely loving it, I am definitely recommend reading the books before you watch the films though! If you loved The Hunger Games, you are gonna love this series by James Dashner!

Imperial Leather Signature Bath Soak - £2 - Tesco's

I've very recently tried this bubble bath, it smells absolutely amazing and leaves your bath water a lovely colour! Imperial Leather do a wonderful range of bubble baths, definitely check them out for a night of luxury!

Must see movie! The Revenant!

If your looking for a great film to see this weekend, I highly recommend "The Revenant" starring Leonardo Dicaprio! By far one of the best films he's ever made. Thrilling and spectacular, this is an absolute must watch for any fan of Leonardo Dicaprio!

What's it like being Dyslexic?

Dyslexia is a word used rather frequently now, in schools, work, life in general. However the problem arises when people get the wrong misconception of what it really means to be Dyslexic. The question that people ask me the most is "So your Dyslexic, so you write letters backwards then and can't read very well?" I'm sorry, but it honestly couldn't be further from the truth. Many Dyslexics will tell you that they do not write letters backwards and that they love reading, very much like myself. I can easily go through a book within 2-3 days, sometimes less, depending on what else I'm doing.

I've never found anything easy, not because I'm stupid, because I see things differently. There is a reason Dyslexics joke that they feel they have been dropped off on the wrong planet, because you quite literally do feel like you have. Nothing makes sense. Why do they want me to write a written method in Maths when I can work it out in my head? Why does it take me a day to read a book written on yellow paper but a month to read a book written on white paper? Why can I remember all the numbers for my bank details off the top of my head but forget my dentist appointment, despite having it written down somewhere? Every Dyslexic is different, but most will tell you they remember the most obscure things.

Most Dyslexics will also tell you that they struggle to concentrate properly most of the time. Personally it's a big issue! I'm the annoying person in front of you at the cinema who can't sit still, the movie is awesome...I just can't sit still. I'm the driver out of my group of friends that apparently looks tense when driving, you would be too if you were driving and all your brain is telling you is "Ooooh look a helicopter, pretty sunset, I like this song...crap what's the speed limit down here again, I've missed the sign" at the same time, all i'm desperately trying to  do is concentrate on the road and make sure I'm doing the correct speed, I couldn't care less about a helicopter, or whether the sun is setting, but my brain thinks otherwise.

Dyslexia seems to get picked up on very late in schools, even now. The longer you leave a diagnosis the harder it gets for that child, because they are not getting the correct help that they need, they aren't being encouraged to work things out their way, instead they are being shown a way that is alien to them. Things need to change, A student may well do better in their exams, because you've noticed Dyslexia at a young age and had a diagnosis done. Please don't assume someone isn't Dyslexic because they don't write back to front or the words don't jump about, we're all different, in your class, your Dyslexic student might be the shyest girl/boy in the room, they also might be the brightest person in the room. Dyslexia does not mean stupid/unintelligent/dumb/retarded. Please don't pigeon hole us, we're just like everyone else, all we do is see things a bit differently.

Coping with loss!

Firstly, this blog isn't intended to make anyone upset, although I respect for some it may be hard to read, your not alone though, we're all in this together, trying to fight MND! I want people to know how devastating this disease is, WE NEED TO FIND A CURE!

Watching someone die of Motor Neurone Disease is traumatic. I'm angry, it's taken someone I love with all my heart away from me, taken everything he ever cared about away from him, his job, his farm, his independence...his life. What did he do to deserve this? Why not a murderer, someone that deserves to rot in hell!  I'm coping better then I was, I had traumatic nightmares for 16 weeks after my dad died, every single night without fail. I couldn't concentrate on work, no matter how hard I tried, I'm forever thankful to a very understanding group of people that I can call my second family, my family away from home for their support through those hard few months, whilst I was at work.

I stopped being a DJ, I couldn't bare the thought of having to perform and be happy for an audience when my heart was being torn apart inside. The stress of someone kicking off, being rude to me, because they couldn't have their favorite song! It honestly didn't matter anymore, making sure my mum was okay, mattered. That I was there for her, whenever she needed me, Making sure my sister was okay up in Brighton with her fiance mattered and that my brother and his wife were alright.

Watching someone die to Motor Neurone Disease, opened my eyes, I had no right to moan about anything anymore, be scared of anything. I was lucky to be alive, to be able to enjoy my food, do the things I loved, be independent. I am so thankful for everything I have and everyone that is in my life. We're human, of course we're going to moan, get angry, get scared, but I try to keep it to a minimum because I know how lucky I am.

You don't ever learn to cope with the loss of a loved one, it gets easier, but it takes time. We're still waiting for the day, when we feel like we can cope. I'm waiting for the day, when I don't wake up 1--12 times a night, because psychologically I'm grieving. The day I can return to Djing and put on a happy face. It'll come, but it'll take time.

Everyday is precious!

I'm not particularly sure why I am writing a blog, I guess I wanted to share my life stories. Perhaps when you read this, you might understand the way I see the world, and why I see it that way? An awful lot has happened this year, I can't keep up with my life most of the time, remember what day it is, what I'm supposed to be doing. Losing a loved one does strange things to you!

Its odd how you remember specific things isn't it? The phone call my mum had to make to me one bank holiday Monday was just that, my mum had phoned to tell me that my step-dad had been diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease, and that it was terminal. Your initial reaction is shock, why Dad? Why someone so innocent and beautiful inside and out, why someone who has been nothing but hard working, loyal, kind and generous all his life? Why not someone who deserves to suffer and rot in hell? As the months went on, I saw someone go from living his life to the full, to not being able to eat a real meal anymore. I cannot express how heartbreaking it is to watch someone you love, not being able to enjoy their favorite meal anymore, over fear they may choke. That being said, I also can't express how important it is that if you have the chance, take a First Aid Course, you  take it, you may well just save someone's life. One afternoon, I believe I did just that.

My dad was doing his usual, he'd managed a tiny bit of food at dinner and was enjoying a cup of hot water, whilst reading the newspaper, catching up on his diary. My mum had popped over to our new house in preparation for us moving in, in a few weeks time and that she wouldn't be particularly long, maybe 30 minutes or so and could I keep an eye on dad. Fear hit me, what if something happens? I explained to my dad that I would keep my bedroom door open and that I would keep my headphones off, so if something were to happen I'd be there for him. He did his usual "I'll be alright" so up I go, 5 minutes later, I can hear choking, I've never been so terrified in all my life. Your initial reaction is to be scared, there was really no time for that, my dad was scared and he needed me fast. All I can see in front of me is my First Aid Instructor explaining to me how you help someone who is choking/got something stuck in their throat, this wasn't practice, this was real. Trying to keep someone calm when you are on the verge of crying is one of the hardest things you can do, as to not put fear in them. I believe I saved my dad's life that day and I believe I helped him save his life too by getting him to relax enough that his muscles relaxed for him to breathe clearly until another attack happened. I remember my dad later telling my mum how brave he thought I had been and how thankful he was, I mean this, I'd do if for anyone there is no question about it.

I'm thankful to my dad, due to this experience, I'd decided I wanted to do a charity Skydive for Motor Neurone Disease, they do one every June called Jumpfest. I'd always wanted to do a Skydive so figured doing it for charity was the best of both worlds. I managed to raise over £800 for Motor Neurone Disease, if you donated and continue to donate to this cause, I am so thankful, it means the world, help us fight! People quite often say to me "Your crazy, why would you jump from 10,000ft?, wasn't it scary?" There are many reasons why I wasn't scared that day, one being that, it was a beautiful day, blue sky, all week it was rainy and cloudy and on the day I jumped it was blue sky until the moment I was on the ground again, my instructors told me we were lucky as the wind was about to change (you can't jump anything over 24mph as it's too dangerous), two jumping from a plane isn't scary, I had no right to be scared, imagining what my dad must of gone through everyday when he was trying to deal with Motor Neurone Disease, the fear of choking, falling over because your legs give way underneath you, your whole life is ripped from you, fear of crying because you may choke on your tears. My dad was a remarkable man and was truly inspiring! I'm not scared of anything anymore, I understood what fear was, watching what this disease does to people. When someone can still smile and laugh when they are dealing with this awful disease, it doesn't make them weak, it makes them a hero!

There's a reason why I want to read so many books, try so many foods, watch some many movies, travel to every part of the globe, jump from planes, study loads of subjects, because I know how precious life is, it can be taken in an instant. I know it's not always easy but try and be thankful for everything you have, because some people have it all taken away from them and it's heartbreaking. I'm angry at this disease, I'm determined to find a cure in my lifetime!